Make Decisions

How many decisions do we make,

in a single day, an hour or a week?

How indecisive I’ve become,

And even now, I think it through

I cannot remember what decisions I have

let and left to a-maybe-plate,

My indecision had its turn,

And now it’s time to close a door and open a new one of something more,

As we make decisions, more decisions come

Like an everlasting waterfall that’s never undone,

Consequences have open wide its mouth of giving,

I have found myself laying in a cloud,

Just floating by, it’s time

to drown that part of the path, and move

Towards some choices. Tough choices,

Fun choices, Easy choices,

Difficult choices –

My indecision has made me finally decide,

It’s time to make my mind up and

Confidently follow my powerful soul.


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We went walking out of the dream with undecided confidence. We opened the door and there was reality in front of us. As we waved goodbye to the malleable door, it transformed to sequence and spread its parts all over the bright morning sky.  Year Zero was playing throughout the street. Looked like we walked into another place but the surroundings looked the same. I was starting to feel the air was warmer and the light was hitting the trees differently, creating slightly different shadow shapes on the grass and concrete. Not that this does not happen anyway on the regular. The shapes of shadows tend to change every day hardly noticeable but these little changes never affected the air. Today was different. Today I noticed.

You stopped walking and stared at me. I didn’t notice for a few steps because I was distracted looking at the environment around me. I finally glanced to the side of me where I expected you to be standing to find you not there. I turned around and you were still staring at me. How many seconds passed, I had no idea but we both knew we had some issues to talk out. I could see it on your face. Your will to confront me.

I looked at the sky and wished I was a bird so I could get away from you. It was not because I was completely in the wrong but when one wakes up from a magical dream side-by-side and the whole world drastically changes immediately, who wouldn’t want the same shape shifting action to happen? My instant reaction was to get away from you but I thought, I have done that in the past and it got me steadily nowhere —  so let me try something new. I took you by the hand and led the way to a sunny patch of grass. I let go of your hand and sat down.

I could feel the violence in your heart and knew it would be an attack so I decided to put an invisible shield on that protected my soul at the core. Deep down I knew you didn’t want to hurt me but because you were hurt you could only see pain. You put your hand on my thigh as a means for me to pay attention. You looked in my eyeballs and stared. You didn’t say anything. I stared equally hard into your eyeballs and I didn’t speak either. We stayed like that for a few mins. Something so intimate about staring into eyeballs of another for any extended amount of time. We went through different phrases of emotions just by getting in touch with each other through staring. A soccer ball came flying through the air in our direction. Someone said, “watch out.” The ball landed in my lap and we laughed really energetically loud together as you saw my face changed from startled to humorous. I handed the ball back to the person. He said, “Thanks,” and was on his way.

Without talking we knew what we were thinking and now looking back at it, I had that with a few people in my childhood and it’s a nice cozy feeling. You told me you had to leave but nothing was resolved and because I wanted us to move from the past I had a problem with you exiting my presence. I told you what I was thinking but you said you cannot talk to me about it now. You left me there and I stayed in the sun all day looking at the water and shadows.

Were we taking opposite roles? I do not know, all I know is that it was resolved by just being in each other’s presence that day. The staring had a lot to do with recovery. imgres




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The dream in your head


You wake up every morning with a dream in your head. You skip the coffee and go straight to picking up your favorite pen and a notebook you have yet to fill. You’re not worried about filling said notebook because before you know it, it will be complete with words, diagrams, and notes of how to improve the words written. You’re addicted, and in love with the routine. Every day you pick up from where you started. Some days you are at a loss for words. That frustrates you. You throw the notebook at the wall and then a few moments pass and you laugh at yourself. You go get your coffee. You sit back down after picking up the notebook. You get distracted by random things, obligations, conversations on the phone, and emails. You decide to do 10 sit-ups. You go back to your notebook and reread whatever you put down. You change it. You edit it. You change certain words or placement of sentences. You get into that. You keep doing it. You take a break and have a chicken burrito at the restaurant across the street from your apartment. You have a short conversation in broken Spanish. You eat the burrito and watch soccer. You go back to the notebook and write something down that you thought about while in the restaurant. You write more and have a flow of writing for 20 minutes. You put the pen down and pick up a book, one of your favorites. You read, you get absorbed with the book as if you no longer exist. There is only the words and your brain. There is a knock on your door. It scares you and makes you jump a little. The door is open, it’s your roommate who hands you your mail. You thank her. You look at the mail but do not open it. You toss it to the side of your desk. You go back to writing. You reread whatever you write. You change the words. You write a list of characteristics you want to show with a certain character. You write what needs to be researched. You watch a movie related  to the topic you are writing about in the notebook. You take notes on the movie you watch. You take out your computer and start typing the words from your notebook. You edit as you type. You open your window and take a long breath. You like the sunshine and decide to go for a walk. You run into a neighbor and dog. You have a mild conversation about something you now forget. You text a friend or two. You put headphones in your ears. You remember something you once forgot. You forget something you once remembered. You take a nap at the lake. You get back home and write more. You do this every day you can do this until you do something else. You lay on your bed thinking. You lay on your bed meditating. You lay on your bed. You remember something from your childhood. You call your sister.

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I think of it often as my

pen lifts from paper

and I get distracted by

imagination –

These thoughts in the present

of the present

touches me

physically in places

I am hardly touched

making the bond

of the thought

feel me with connectivity

as I think more about

the present,

This present,

well, happy birthday

or Merry Holiday but No-

the present whispering

to my shadow,

I see it coming in my sleep,

hi-5-ing my 3rd eye,

I see it swoop down fast without touching me,

just staring at me and then

majestically sprinkling its

feathers over my heart-strings.

I see it holding me

perhaps temporarily,

but trusting me, and

warming me,

I see it there in a dream

speaking softly –

something about the scenery.

I take a small pillow in my face

thinking to make a continuous

moment of moments so that

nothing matters but now.

photo (23)

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A song for the gone

It may be like reading

in the shadows tonight

yet, still

a beautiful day

to catch

my drift,

I promise.

I am not sorry for

pressing letters to make words.

And then

there is a silence,

soft light –  lift my darkness,

I can not accept the fact that

you’re gone and you’re gone and you’re not here—

and I can’t tell you all the things you may want to know about me now,

I can’t tell you who I will be tomorrow,

I can’t tell you who I was last Saturday ’cause you’ve been gone,


Acceptance is in my meditation song,

total acceptance now rings in vibration as someone hits a large gong,

But you’re gone.

I keep going back and forth playing two different songs, from chant to something not yet created in this world,

2 different perspectives,

duality over my crown

chasing me,

running me

into the ground,

then picking me up and playing

another song to make me

think its my friend

in order to start

over again —

Who am I writing this for? Are you a ghost hearing me through some channel? Can I channel? Shall I channel? What’s the channel? I question the decision to write this all down can you hear me, can you hear me, am I speaking aloud?

The two clouds collide creating a bigger cloud. See below:

photo (22)

Infinity stares you in the face, how will you respond? Have you responded or are you waiting for me to join you beyond infinity’s gate?

And I love you like you are the only one I will ever know and ever have known,

away and gone like the rain that lands into the sea and then recycled. I miss you.

The silence deep within the bones,

it creeps and weeps for you to talk to you.

I miss you, like the dance beyond the yard and the water falls from my eyes and wets my Moleskin but I keep fighting to write another word

but there is silence.

I take a deep breath and lay on my bed looking at purple lights and basswood.

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Now. to be honest, I’ve seen books that talk.


Be here now they say,

be here now

I don’t know how to be now here knowing

here, knowing here,

be present in the present moment thinking about presence in the present moment thinking about presents in the present present present in the moment of presence in the moment playing games with you every single day.

I see your shadymist, I can meadowsong your style

better open your eyes in a different way so you can see yourself

stop hiding under trees,

your defenses make me smile built to see through you. I’m built to see you. I see you I see you I can see you.

don’t try to be processed, no more processing to be processed, paperless

paperless mail. Paperless now.


Now, to be honest.

Now honest.

Now honest.

Now to be honest, I’ve seen books that talk.

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I have started a cleanse. It all started last week when I was talking to a co-worker about what our lives were like. The conversation got deeper than a friendly chat. It then hit me to start a cleanse, to dedicate the Spring to reconnect to purpose and health. The cleanse is for 45 days but I want this time to help me make some planned lifestyle changes. The conditions are: 1. Put nothing harmful into body (i.e. alcohol) 2. Exercise (hikes, yoga, running, try new exercises out) 3. Write daily (reflections, journaling, finish or be close to finishing a short story project) 4. Meditation daily (reflection on certain words and their meanings, silent meditation, group meditation, written meditation – stream of consciousness) 5. Do things that truly make me happy 6. Look at habits and triggers 7. Know thyself better to make better decisions



I thought this would be easier and now every habit left to the background is popping up like ulcer pain. It’s good in so many ways because now I can deal with it instead of drowning it with more layers of shadows. Time to feel, embrace and eat it up. Sometimes it tastes like a mixture of soap and mouthwash forcing you to really see things clearly for the first time in years. Other times it tastes like a combination of honey and rose petals and you understand why  you committed yourself to such a discipline.

I’m excited and scared and full of anxiety. I already have seen some of my triggers that pushes me to avoid things. I already have seen some of my passions come to a point of no return. I am becoming the me I have always been but was a little of track for a while.

Today is only day 5. It feels like it’s been day 25. I am not saying when the 45 days are over I will immediately go back to all my old ways before the cleanse. It’s about balance and I am ready to try something new.

I now have another person in the cleanse zone, one of my roomies. How nice to share this experience and influence others to do well for themselves.

To my friends in the Bay, if you want to do something fun, sober, challenging hit me up!



photo (21)

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