Recovery

We went walking out of the dream with undecided confidence. We opened the door and there was reality in front of us. As we waved goodbye to the malleable door, it transformed to sequence and spread its parts all over the bright morning sky.  Year Zero was playing throughout the street. Looked like we walked into another place but the surroundings looked the same. I was starting to feel the air was warmer and the light was hitting the trees differently, creating slightly different shadow shapes on the grass and concrete. Not that this does not happen anyway on the regular. The shapes of shadows tend to change every day hardly noticeable but these little changes never affected the air. Today was different. Today I noticed.

You stopped walking and stared at me. I didn’t notice for a few steps because I was distracted looking at the environment around me. I finally glanced to the side of me where I expected you to be standing to find you not there. I turned around and you were still staring at me. How many seconds passed, I had no idea but we both knew we had some issues to talk out. I could see it on your face. Your will to confront me.

I looked at the sky and wished I was a bird so I could get away from you. It was not because I was completely in the wrong but when one wakes up from a magical dream side-by-side and the whole world drastically changes immediately, who wouldn’t want the same shape shifting action to happen? My instant reaction was to get away from you but I thought, I have done that in the past and it got me steadily nowhere —  so let me try something new. I took you by the hand and led the way to a sunny patch of grass. I let go of your hand and sat down.

I could feel the violence in your heart and knew it would be an attack so I decided to put an invisible shield on that protected my soul at the core. Deep down I knew you didn’t want to hurt me but because you were hurt you could only see pain. You put your hand on my thigh as a means for me to pay attention. You looked in my eyeballs and stared. You didn’t say anything. I stared equally hard into your eyeballs and I didn’t speak either. We stayed like that for a few mins. Something so intimate about staring into eyeballs of another for any extended amount of time. We went through different phrases of emotions just by getting in touch with each other through staring. A soccer ball came flying through the air in our direction. Someone said, “watch out.” The ball landed in my lap and we laughed really energetically loud together as you saw my face changed from startled to humorous. I handed the ball back to the person. He said, “Thanks,” and was on his way.

Without talking we knew what we were thinking and now looking back at it, I had that with a few people in my childhood and it’s a nice cozy feeling. You told me you had to leave but nothing was resolved and because I wanted us to move from the past I had a problem with you exiting my presence. I told you what I was thinking but you said you cannot talk to me about it now. You left me there and I stayed in the sun all day looking at the water and shadows.

Were we taking opposite roles? I do not know, all I know is that it was resolved by just being in each other’s presence that day. The staring had a lot to do with recovery.